Tuesday, March 8, 2011


fat tuesday. i don’t usually pay attention to these things. well, in college i did. but for entirely different reasons, of course. the discounted margaritas! the free chips and salsa!

i wish i could write to tell you i’m in a place where i have thought about this day, thought about what it means for the upcoming season of lent. what i should give up, do without, to more fully recognize (recognize at all?) the sacrifice this time represents for christians.

instead, when i think of giving something up, i get grouchy. indignant. indifferent. after all, we have (mostly) given up a lot of things over the last 5 months while my husband has been out of work: wine, chocolate, dessert, shopping for new clothes, going out to eat, frequent haircuts.

yes, five months. it dawned on me last night while i was trying to get to sleep. the number five. it can seem so small. like, i have 5 girl scout cookies, and i’m going to eat them all. well, in that context 5 is such a tiny number.

but in our lives right now, five is a huge number. it’s how i looked at 5 when my oldest daughter turned 5 and was old enough to go to kindergarten. then i wondered, where had all the time gone? how could she be old enough, big enough to go to school? how could she make it all day without me?

so yes, this is like that. five. it looms over me, hangs there, taunts me. please, let it not be five more. let it not even be one more.


  1. shiver. poetic post. haunting.
    i get grouchy just hearing the word sacrifice. I pray to my godless ceiling that five is the max for you.

  2. first off, that picture is wonderful. i love everything about it. reading your post though, i get that panicky feeling from the five months your husband has been out of work. i know how scary things can be when you've got young children and are financially strained to the point where you're like how long can this go on? that weight that can make you indignant. i'll keep your family in my prayers that your husband finds something very soon, so that five doesn't become six. i know it can be horribly annoying when someone tells you to look on the bright side when you're just wanting to vent the very really and warranted frustrations you're going through right now. but you are very fortunate that you have each other to lean on. and just looking at your followers and the livefeed, i think you have many people that care very deeply for you. hopefully that love can buoy you through this trying time.

  3. Heavens, girlfriend. You mean you haven't eaten those FIVE Girl Scout cookies yet? The self-control! The determination! Wow.

    LOVE this post, because it tells the truth about dire times. That's why we're all hoping your hubby finds the perfect job. Truly.