fat tuesday. i don’t usually pay attention to these things. well, in college i did. but for entirely different reasons, of course. the discounted margaritas! the free chips and salsa!
i wish i could write to tell you i’m in a place where i have thought about this day, thought about what it means for the upcoming season of lent. what i should give up, do without, to more fully recognize (recognize at all?) the sacrifice this time represents for christians.
instead, when i think of giving something up, i get grouchy. indignant. indifferent. after all, we have (mostly) given up a lot of things over the last 5 months while my husband has been out of work: wine, chocolate, dessert, shopping for new clothes, going out to eat, frequent haircuts.
yes, five months. it dawned on me last night while i was trying to get to sleep. the number five. it can seem so small. like, i have 5 girl scout cookies, and i’m going to eat them all. well, in that context 5 is such a tiny number.
but in our lives right now, five is a huge number. it’s how i looked at 5 when my oldest daughter turned 5 and was old enough to go to kindergarten. then i wondered, where had all the time gone? how could she be old enough, big enough to go to school? how could she make it all day without me?
so yes, this is like that. five. it looms over me, hangs there, taunts me. please, let it not be five more. let it not even be one more.