Wednesday, October 6, 2010


my child took this picture without me knowing. you can just see his hair there at the top of the frame. i was going to rotate it, but then i realized that this is how it was oriented when he took it.

this is his view, when the room isn't spinning. for me lately the room has been spinning constantly. earlier today i thought about blogging. i was taking the day "off," after all, from my work, so i thought, hey, i'll be creative, and i'll get some much needed downtime on the couch too. i mean, what woman, especially a mother, gets any downtime on the couch? mine is usually occupied, but i am sure you don't need to hear that i am rarely the  one occupying it.

i love my 3 year old. i love him to bits. he is adorable in every way. he runs around the house naked, except for a tank top my friend calls a wife beater (to her credit, it IS a white ribbed tank). this is his uniform until he learns to pee in the potty. which, slowly but surely, i think we are moving toward. as long as he is naked at least.

he falls asleep after 9 pm, no matter whether he's had a nap. he wakes up between 5:30 and 6:30,  no matter what time he falls asleep. from the moment he awakes, he is on the go, pulling out every toy he owns, wanting me to help him build this farm, find this farmer, help him get his brother's special NASA toys out (which he knows he's not supposed to have). he builds, colors (all over the walls and himself if i'm not watching), climbs, laughs, dances.

and he's incredibly suave about getting out of trouble. i know i don't have the iron will i'm supposed to have with him when it comes to discipline. please tell me this is a third-born (or last-born) thing? maybe it's my age. i feel 80 some days. maybe if i had borne all my children before i turned 24 i would be okay.

so lately, this adorable little peanut has taken to refusing to fall asleep during naptime. let me explain what naptime is to me, since of course this is all about me (i will tell you aloud that it is for him, that i know he needs his rest, that i don't want him to get sick, but inside i know it is all selfishly motivated). naptime is when i get most, if not all, of the work i need to get done during the day. i don't know how i am accomplishing this, but it seems to have been working out fine. i have lots of projects, and i get them done in the allotted 3 hours when precious peanut is asleep.

keep in mind, this doesn't include housework or laundry or anything like that. i do that while he's awake.

on the very rare day when i say to myself, you know, i have worked hard, and i'm going to lie on this couch and watch all the dumb shows i would be made fun of for watching when someone else who lives here is around (ahem, husband), i NEED my child to be asleep. for a long time.

so, i have been thinking this over lately, trying to figure out how to solve this problem. friends have suggested trying to spend some quality time with him in the morning so he will be tired out and ready to nap. or daycare. there's always that option. except not when we don't have lots of disposable income. so there's not really that option. believe me, i have checked into it.

on days like today, i am feeling squeezed. and not in a good way. my chest feels tight, and i want to go outside and scream. maybe screaming into a pillow would be a better choice. that way i don't scare the neighbors...


  1. "He's in incredibly suave about getting out of trouble." Love how that's written, particularly because I've struggled to put words to it myself.

    I am so sorry that YOUR day turned out so rough. I think that the loss of expected time, whether for self, work, or whatever, is one of the hardest things to deal with. Maybe because we're dealing with the emotions of loss and anger and exhaustion while still trying to enforce nap or discipline or just prevent chaos.

    I hope that this weekend you get a chance to run away.

  2. I love that photo--thought it was a pic of an open drawer of file folders, the ones with the transparent rainbow tabs. then my perspective shifted and I saw curtains. man I wish stella napped. love the word SQUEEZE to define your feelings. such a great word choice. and I'm so happy to hear about discipline woes. keep it coming. I feel halfway normal when I read your posts! love...